just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
