atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
