when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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