After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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