I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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