and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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