brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
my phone needs a breathalizer
Welp...herpes.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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