awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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