man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
