i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Holy shit dude........stairs
how does that bad decision feel?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
