I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm determined to sit on that face.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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