when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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