I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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