I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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