I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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