oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize