my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Two words: blizzard sex
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
