he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
