She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
