Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Randomize
