By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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