She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
