i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
