so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
