i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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