I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
