Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
