new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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