half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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