You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
