I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
