I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize