come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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