We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
