her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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