Whatcha textin bout Willis?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
