i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
