my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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