just tell him i said nine months
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
