dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
