dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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