i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
