you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
