Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
If I die, sorry about rent.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
