As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize