Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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