I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
