Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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