I can't breathe out the right side of my face
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
