Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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