were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
