are you so shy because you have an std?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
