You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
