She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I yelled at your uterus for you.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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