So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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