I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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