She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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