??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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