my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
