i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
