:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize