I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
