I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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