My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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