dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
